A couple of weeks ago Brett Favre sent text messages to his Minnesota Vikings teammates to say that he was trading in his cleats for Wranglers for good. Everybody knows what’s happened since then.

Stephen Colbert bid Favre farewell after the last retirement news but added that he would stab Brett in the eye with a broken broom handle if he returned to football. Now that Favre’s back Colbert is looking to make good on his threat.

Video via the Colbert Nation

Michael Jordan’s Hitler mustache in his latest Hanes commercials has become a bigger source of ridicule for MJ than those awful jeans he sported last year. Somebody needs to tell Michael that the posters of President Obama the Tea Party marches around with are fake.

Stephen Colbert took a few shots at Jordan’s mustache (and Charles Barkley) during his sport report. He summed MJ’s new look with a simple “Oh nein he didn’t.”

Tiger Woods made a solid comeback to the golf world with an opening round 4-under 68 at The Masters. He’s two shots behind leader Fred Couples and in great position to make a run at another green jacket.

The day was also good for people that like to make fun of Woods and his p-parade. A plane flew over Augusta National carrying banners reading “Tiger did you mean bootyism?“, “Sex Addict? Yeah Right. Sure. Me Too!” and “We miss you Tiger! Deja Vu Showgirls.” The latest meme from the scandal is based around the Nike commercial featuring the voice of Tiger’s father Earl Woods. Deadspin has a collection of parody videos and Stephen Colbert added a few more on The Colbert Report. The father from “Leave it to Beaver” would’ve been an excellent choice for the commercial if they hadn’t dug up the Earl Woods audio.

Stephen Colbert rallied the Colbert Nation to raise more than $300,000 to save the U.S. speedskating team but Olympic gold medalist Shani Davis didn’t care for the sponsorship. He called Colbert a jerk in an interview with the Associated Press but of course the late-night talk show host had the last word.

Colbert doesn’t stand a chance and neither does the autographed copy of Sports Illustrated he’s gonna give to Shani.

Stephen Challenges Shani Davis [Colbert Nation]

The United States’ soccer team got the country interested in the world’s game for a few days last week by pulling off an upset of number one ranked Spain. The U.S. citizens were ready to go into full bandwagon mode when Clint Demspey and Landon Donovan put Team USA up 2-0 against Brazil, but the Brazilian rally put the party on hold.

Being the loyal American that he is, Stephen Colbert supports the U.S. soccer team, and makes a good case for supporting soccer in general.

Soccer Pros: Fun Scarves and riots
Soccer Cons: Players must be in shape and low scores

From Babe Ruth to CC Sabathia, our world-class athletes are traditionally one corn dog away from a massive coronary.

Colbert didn’t do enough to turn me into a full-fledged soccer fan but rioting with a scarf on sounds like fun.

Stephen Colbert presented another edition of his Sports Report last night and offered his opinions on Team USA’s victory over Spain, Brett Favre going to the Minnesota Vikings, and the irregular betting patterns at Wimbledon.

Colbert, like much of America, couldn’t tell you any of the U.S. soccer players but we’re happy for ourselves the fellas anyway.

I never knew Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders supported gay marriage. Good thing Colbert’s around to shine some light on this topic.

“The Oakland Raiders might not have lost 75 percent of their games over the past six seasons if their logo hadn’t been a clear endorsement for gay rights. An eye patch and a leather helmet? Message receeeeeeiiiiiiiiveeeeeeed.”

Colbert on tennis:

“I’m no fan of tennis. If I wanted to see men in short-shorts running around hitting balls with a paddle, I’d go on the Internet.”

And finally, Colbert on America’s longest running soap opera, Brett Favre retiring:

“Folks it’s that time of the year when the sounds of summer float through the air. The roar of the surf, the sizzle of the grill, the waffling of a retired Brett Favre. That’s right. The national pastime of Brett Favre retirement watching. A sport that’s now lasted more seasons than the XFL.

Green Bay fans would like to help Brett become a Viking by putting him on a boat and setting it on fire.”