I can’t wait for January 1st. For starters, the bowl games get more interesting, but they haven’t been Bill Walton horrible so far. There was Oregon State’s rally and going for two to win the game, Texas Tech’s record setting 31 point comeback for an overtime victory, and of course the shining moment of the bowl season to this point. That stuff’s cool and match-ups like USC/Michigan, LSU/Notre Dame, and Florida/Ohio State should be great but resolutions
are the best part of January 1st. If you have something to write on and something to write with you can make a list of all the things you want to resolve in the new year. We all start with the basics (better relationships with others, get in shape, and make more money) then sprinkle in some random shit only to have forgotten the whole thing by January 8th.
My friends came up with the idea of putting our resolutions online so we could have a constant reminder of our plans/goals/resolutions. The first resolution, and only universal resolution, is that we follow through on our resolutions. Here are the rest of our resolutions.
The Assassin: Be entertaining and fair in my writing.
Terrell Owens: San Francisco, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Dallas, hmmm…Denver or Atlanta..yeah..Denver..Piss off everybody in Denver.
Steve Young: Check facts on stories before I go on the air and act like I know what I’m talking about.
Kansas City Royals: If we decide to jump up in the free-agency mix again we will spend $11mil per year a little more wisely.
Vince Young: I’mma keep makin it do what it do.
David Eckstein: Play hard day in and day out.
Barbaro: Learn to talk so I can tell people that I’m a horse. Y’all need to quit acting like I’m Jessica Alba. 
Carmelo Anthony: I will only punch guys that are expecting it.
Michael Irvin: I will take Broadcasting Sensibilities 101 .
Barry Bonds: I will continue to be an arrogant s.o.b., to be a liability in the outfield, to hit home runs until I have the record, and to shake the haters off.
Daisuke Matsusaka (Through translator): I love America and Boston. Thank you very much for the money.
Kevin Federline: First I wanna say the divorce is not my fault. I was always honest with Brit. My goal isn’t even a goal. It’s a fact. I will be 3x platinum by June. Peace
Floyd Landis: Get a better excuse writer.
Ryan Howard: I gotta prove it wasn’t a fluke.
Brett Favre: I will make up my mind in a timely fashion so I don’t waste the nation’s time.
Isiah Thomas: Who is the opposite of Midas? My resolution is to find out.
Michelle Wie: I will do something this year that validates the endless amount of hype surrounding me.
Doug Collins: Propose to Steve Nash during a live broadcast.
Jason Whitlock: Speak my mind no matter the cost.
Tiger Woods: Continue my quest for world domination. Today, the PGA. Tomorrow, Gambia.
Tony Kornheiser: My life’s pretty much perfect except for one thing. I gotta get rid of Theisman. He’s killing me. Wouldn’t know a joke or a set-up if it slapped him in the face.
Donovan McNabb: I might have to go all UNC on Garcia..haha just joking don’t print that. I guess just stay healthy so I can keep making commercials.
Mike Tyson: Eat more children. Get arrested less.
Paris Hilton: What is this? Oh nvm I got it. I vote tacos.
Gilbert Arenas: Continue punishing my opponents for any one of the numerous violations committed against me.
Jeff Suppan: Continue my classes in witchcraft and mind control.
New (Old) Basketball: Gotta step my game up. Almost lost my job in 2006. I’m gonna perform well, even when wet. I’ll try my hardest to go in the hoop.
Celebrtiy Perfume/Cologne: I will go away. Everyone from Nas-Car to Hilary Duff had their version of me. Enough.
Scoop Jackson: Keep Scoop Jacksonin’ in the ‘07.
Kobe Bryant: I will keep pretending to be the “other Kobe” until everyone completely believes it. Then and only then will I strike.
Roger Clemens: See Brett Favre
- Brett Favre’s First Practice With The New York Jets
- Video: Highlights Of Brett Favre’s First Game As A Jet
- Brett Favre Reports To Camp, Hitler Still Pissed
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